You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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