Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
