Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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