She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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