He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
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If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
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Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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