Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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