Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
