i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
