I'm really into asian looking animals
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Randomize
