3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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