Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
