Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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