So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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