I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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