Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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