dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
