My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
