apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
