last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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