If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
