so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
