An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
