I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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