We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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