my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
