I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
