On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
