so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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