found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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