how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
