I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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