when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
