dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
