my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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