Just fell off a train. Bad.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
