Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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