Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
