I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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