shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
if only i could text you this smell
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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