Barsexuality is the new black.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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