a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
