I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
