I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
