I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
