Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
