so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
