Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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