If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
