and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
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My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
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God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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