u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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