I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
