Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
