How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
