I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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