I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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