after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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