well I can't set my house on fire every night
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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