Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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