my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
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So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
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What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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