I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
